3: The midge

I read on the internet (link here) that there are potentially over 180 trillion midges in Scotland during an average summer (which in case you’re wondering equates to six hundred million per West Highland Way walker). I mean, it could be a gross over estimate, so maybe there are only 100 trillion midges, which would be much more acceptable. For Buddhists, in particular those whose karma fails to reach the standard for reincarnation as another human, ending up as a biting insect looks a distinct possibility.

Head stockings are worn loose this year.

Back to the midges, looking on the bright side it’s only the female that bites, so assuming it’s a fifty-fifty split that’s halved the total. But given these numbers, who’s going to take that kind of risk?  Only a lunatic would head off to the heartlands of the midge, the western highlands without protection. 

We are not mad but we are individuals, so rather than sheepishly copy each other we have each bought our own protection. I have a can of the specialist Scottish brand leader Smidge, Chris has gone for (if it’s good enough for the Army it’s good for me) Avon Skin-so-Soft and Jerome (the 'interloper' from the Pennine Way, who has decided to join us for the whole of this walk) is relying on Jungle formula which he used recently while in the tropical forests of Costa Rica.

Jerome's fears come from bitter experience that he is regarded as a tasty morsel by mosquitoes. Also his body reacts badly to their attention. This being the case he also purchased some mesh hats which we are modelling above.

 

There’s no way of telling what the terror of highlands is going to do to us, or whether one or indeed all of us will be a more delectable meal for the ladies who lunch but I have seen the devastation that a cloud of midges can wreak. It was a long time ago, 1973 to be precise, when I was amongst a group of pupils from our boys school that had travelled up to Kinlochewe on a biology field trip. Our teachers had somehow discovered that there was a group of girls on a similar trip staying at nearby Loch Torridon and they decided that we would host, cook and wash up an evening meal for the girls, which would apparently demonstrate that we were modern up-to-date men of the type it would be good to get to know. 

My culinary contribution was to make pink Angel Delight. In those days this was some fiendish combination of chemicals that were whisked together with milk to make a mousse-like confection that tasted subtly of pink fruit that was alleged to be strawberries and cream. (I note that the marketing today suggests that it contains no yucky artificial flavours, colours or preservatives, which sounds lovely, doesn't it? However it does have amongst its ingredients: Hydrogenated Vegetable Oil, Modified Starch, Emulsifiers, (Propane-1, 2-dial esters of fatty acids, Soya Lecithin), Gelling Agents (Disodium Phosphate, Diphosphates) which I would argue is not quite chemical free.)

The hands on the clock moved around to the cocktail hour and our guests duly traipsed in, having spent the day knee deep in Loch Torridon on some field trip related activity. For one of the girls this had been a traumatic experience. She had made the mistake of breathing, which is how the midge becomes aware of a nearby meal. This attracted the attention of a hungry female midge. Then the girl's misfortune was compounded by having some peculiar characteristic of heat, or body perfume or just tasty blood which is considered especially scrumptious by the ravenous beastie. Having detected this ambrosia the midge lets out a pheromone, which is a call to all the other lady midges nearby that the main course has arrived and they all tucked in.  

So this poor girl made a very conspicuous entrance as her exposed body parts had by this time become reddened and swollen by the ravaging. Her head especially resembled a blotchy pumpkin. Then the seating plan for the evening revelries revealed itself and I found myself sitting next to her. Now I’m sure under normal circumstances she was a delightful companion but this evening her mood matched her complexion and she didn’t really want to engage in small talk, or indeed conversation of any nature. Which made for an interesting dinner while I tried not to gawp at her visage, which became even more alarmingly inflamed as the meal went on. 

The Angel Delight consumed, we then retired to do the washing up and our guests went back to their field trip centre. However, I’ve never forgotten the havoc that this tiny creature can cause if you take a breath in the western highlands during midge season.

Having described the lurid details, maybe the threat is somewhat oversold because the first thing to note is that no else amongst their group had any major midge bites and I personally have spent quite some time in the highlands of Scotland and only experienced minor discomfort. However, forewarned is forearmed and it may be better to look silly in a mosquito hat (see above again) than be rubbing calamine lotion on red hot skin in the vague hope that it will all calm down sometime soon.